August 17, 2014

In recent weeks the same subject has come up in conversations several times —  conversations with three different individuals who share the same concern.  Although I’ve been feeling there is something to write about this, the words have been eluding me.

By coincidence — synchronicity, really — I received a few days ago on Facebook, which I rarely visit, an August 6 posting by a friend of a friend (someone I’ve not met personally).  What caught my attention was this:

“In my experience, depression is a deep, soulful call for permission, affirmation, and authentic expression. It is actually a gift that drives us deeper into our own, hidden resources. But the ego does not “appreciate” such gifts, and we (individually and as a collective) have marginalized and pathologized the process, so the gifts often remain out of reach… Compounding the experience, the cycle, the depression… Less judging; more affirmation, patience, and trust. Love will prevail.”

He then added: (Yes, feeling the familiar tendrils tightening around my awareness, this morning … Noticing … Listening …)

Unlike Randall, I do not write from inside the experience.  Rather, over years of juxtaposition with others’ depression cycles, it’s possible I’ve gleaned a bit of insight through close observation.  I can only suggest.  What I suggest may or may not ring true for you.

Have you ever observed a turtle retracting into its shell when it has perhaps been poked or prodded?  It stays inside its protective shell until it feels safe enough to peer out.  Observing its own situation, it decides whether to re-emerge or retreat back into its shell.  Understandably those who experience depression often behave similarly.  So we may ask: What does the poking and prodding consist of?  And how are the tendrils, to which Randall referred, dissolved?  How is safety reestablished?  And where is “authentic expression”?

First, we look at how the tendrils became established in our awareness.  What are they, really?  When we can call them by their name, they will no longer have power over us.

Without judgement, and placing no blame, I see the tendrils as having been seeded when we were very young — primarily in the form of concepts which we were taught as children.  (And which have been handed down from generation to generation.)  We were specifically taught, by our well meaning parents/teachers/ministers, what was expected of us, so that we would fit in appropriately — and be safe and successful within our cultural context.  A definition of “success” was transmitted to us also, as well as a concept about “security”.  Many of us were so imbued with the directions established by our families that we have no Idea what we would have chosen, if we had a choice.

Perhaps it seemed implied that happiness was within the formula.  Was happiness to be achieved by the reaching of goals?

About 18 years ago, I had a vision within a deep meditation.  Within the dream-like vision I saw that people reach toward the “something” that they want to touch — an  arrival — and it dissolves before they can reach it.  Over and over again there is the reaching and the dissolving.  It continues as a cycle, around and around.  There is great loneliness within this cycle, huge disappointment.  What I saw in this vision was deeply saddening until I awoke from the “dream” and saw that all of the answers — the goals which inspired the reaching — were inside, inside oneself.  Within one all along — and yet unseen, unfelt.   

There comes a point when we begin to awaken, and knowingness begins to land within us.  Our rational minds are so accustomed to being in charge that we have to give ourselves permission to pay attention to our inner wisdom.  We learn how to express ourselves “authentically” (as differentiated from accustomed roles) and we feel encouraged to do so.

Our longing for “authenticity” propels us forward to dissolve the tendrils which have constricted our expression.  We recognize that the tendrils have provided for us a valuable opportunity to experience contrast.  We can now make choices that will dissolve those tendrils for they have served us long enough.

When we ourselves have not been in charge of our own decision making — about the course of our lives, or the scheduling of our day — all the choices default to others’ choices for us.  Having recognized this, we discover ways to balance our own equation.  That which we have been taught to be and to do, and the responsibilities we have thus assumed, now begins to be balanced out by our heart longings — signals to us from our soul.

All of our own healing-into-wholeness and happiness now occurs inside us — step by perfect step.

I feel sure that Randall is right: Love will prevail.